“I can't see my name, I can't see my name” shouted a rather panicky Finbar as we looked up at the results board in the basement of the Arts Tower.

You see the day had come. Three years of studying all boiling down to this one day although I wasn't expecting our results to reach evaporation temperatures if you know what I mean. We were going through all the notice boards where the final exam results were posted searching for our names and as luck would have it it was quiet as the early morning hoards of “hi, haven't seen you for ages” types had long gone.

Not exactly a cunning plan on our part but more to do with having a in Hooshang's and Bobby's the night before head and I don't think we'd have been able to get up earlier than midday even if we'd wanted to which we didn't. Well, when did we!
“There's your name Finbar” said George “but I can't see mine.”

“What have I got, what have I got?” said Finbar his eyes frantically scanning the board looking for his results.

“Christ Eddie Echo or what! Have you taken to repeating everything you say, everything you say or something, something?” I said but Finbar wasn't listening and looked really nervous.

In fact, he was sort of doing a jig but then as if he'd been asked to buy a rather large round he stopped jigging, came to an abrupt halt, eyes widened as if in disbelief and then a grin that'd make a Cheshire cat seem morose in comparison spread across his face and said

“I told you I was a bloody genius didn't I?” and looked almost as pleased with himself as when he got hold of the bargirl from Hooshang's.

Now relaxed and jigless he threw himself into helping us search for our names finding me first and then George.

“Christ I didn't think I'd done that well” said George mopping his brow as if he'd been expecting something significantly worse.

“Sorry lads but I'm on a different page to you so I must have surpassed myself” I said as my eyes passed from my name to the column where the results were.

“The results are posted alphabetically and that's why you´re not on the same page so don't kid yourself” said Finbar.

“Been sucking lemons again hey Finbar?” I said as I saw my result. In fact, I was taking the piss as we all did about the same but I always enjoyed winding up Finbar as he'd make these funny noises when he was nervous or embarrassed which would send me into fits of laughter. If he started jigging as well it was a sight to behold and was akin to a toadfish on a night on the lash in Wigan´s Pier.

“Fancy a celebrative bacon sandwich and a mug of tea down at Alboka's” I said to which they nodded as in “do bear's shit in the woods?”

We set off for Alboka's feeling rather happy and made jokes about graduation day and if we were gonna attend.

“You gonna go then?” asked Finbar.

“Rather be a destitute” I replied.

“Why not?” asked George.

“Well, apart from the fact it's bourgeois shite attended by local politicians only their mother would recognize, I've heard if you attend you've got to wear a mortar board and gown and there's about as much chance of that happening as Jimmy Somerville covering a Barry White song.

“Hey look! Who's that in a mortar board and gown over there? joked Finbar.

“No, seriously, I am a man of principal as you well know and my mind's made up.”

“Principal! What be that then?” said Finbar “something like being as grubby as a ...” and not being able to think of anything funny about being grubby finished with a “someone that´s very grubby.”

“Excuse me but I hold the copyright on that one if you don't mind” I retorted.

“If that's true” butted in George “then I won't be going either”.

“Well me neither then” added Finbar as we walked into Alboka's.

“Hey isn't that Parvis with that Shady girl over there?” I said as I looked for a table.

“She's blonde, her carpets are out and her dress is the size of a serviette from McDonalds but no I don't think it's the one from the other night but let's go over and get a better look shall we” said George.

“How does he do it” said Finbar as we approached the table where Parvis and the blonde were sitting realising that she was indeed a new addition to the harem. As he saw us coming Parvis shouted over “he lads, how did you do? I´m gonna be able to do a Phd.”

“Better than average” said Finbar trying to do a Yogi Bear voice but sounding more like Elmer Fudd.

“Say hello to Wirginia” said Parvis. Seemed like the Elmer Fudds were breaking out everywhere.

“Wirginia” said the blonde looking more puzzled than indignant.

“It's Wirginia.....I mean Virginia. Christ now you've got me at it and it's my name” she said and went on “what's with the Ws then Parvis?”

“I don't know vot you're talking about” he replied and feeling like we were flogging a dead horse we all looked at each other as if to say let's move on whilst Finbar piped up with “voo gives a vuck anyvays?” which made Virginia chuckle.

Have to say she had a nice chuckle. Once she started it set of a sort of wave through her body and before you knew it her carpets were oscillating like the Tacoma Narrows Bridge. Dread to think what'd happen if she did a real big belly laugh but I carried right on thinking anyway.

We sat down with Parvis and Virginia and ordered mugs of tea and bacon sandwiches and as we chatted I remember thinking “don't call her Shady for Christ's sake or stare at her carpets” but as it turned out I needn't have worried on that front as Finbar was transfixed and practically salivating which didn't go unnoticed by Virginia.

“Shall I get one out so you can take a photo duck” she said to Finbar who went bright red and made a funny noise and I'm sure if Virginia hadn't started laughing to break the atmosphere he would have gone into a jig sitting down as well. Rather disappointed that he didn't come to think.

“He lads” said Parvis “Wirginia told me a joke.”

“No Parvis you can't tell them that” she said going red faced and pulling on his arm as if to say please don't.

“Anyvays,” he went on “there's this guy and he's making love”

“Making love?” interrupted Virginia “it doesn't really work if you say making love”

“OK, “ said Parvis “a guy's valloping this bird and her bits are so big that he falls inside and ven inside he meets this bloke with a vagon who says anyvon seen my dog?”

“My dog?” Christ you didn't get it did you? He meets a guy with a wagon who says anyone seen my horse?” said Virgnia.

Horse made all the difference and we doubled up laughing and must have carried on for what seemed like about ten minutes.

In fact, Parvis screwing up only added to the hilarity and even though I normally hate jokes as it can be a cue for people to start telling every joke they've ever heard but this one merited a good old belly laugh, eye watering response. Yeah, there was more to Virginia than a rather nice pair of carpets.

When we calmed down Parvis said “I'm going to London the day after tomorrow so does anyvon vont a lift?”

“No, it's OK thanks” I said “we've hired a van between us and Zach and we're all going down together. Zach's driving.”

Zach or rather Zachary as he insisted on being called was a skinny, long haired lentil eating bloke who studied with us and shared our love of music and digestive biscuits although where as we liked dunking our digestives he wrote poems about them.

Think he saw himself as a bit of a biscuit really as one of his poems started “I am a biscuit.”

Can't really remember what came next but we used to rib him by saying “how about I am a biscuit and you´re a glass of Nesquick, you suck and I'll lick?” which didn´t really go down too well.

You see he didn't really appreciate us editing his poems but it used to amuse us and when drunk we'd make up spontaneous rhymes based on the I am idea. For example, one of Finbar's favourites after half a bottle of vodka one night was “I am an armpit. Smells a bit here but near the tit.” Yeah, I know but after half a bottle of vodka it was hard enough to speak and anyway when you're rotten reading the ingredients on the back of a ketchup bottle's funny.

In fact, some of the funniest things I've ever seen are on the back of sauce bottles.

“What d'ya mean you're going to London” asked Virginia looking like there was more chance of Parvis pronouncing Ws correctly than her chuckling.

“Don't worry, I'll be back in a few days” said Parvis giving us a look like “ back me up here” so I said “yeah Virginia we could all go out one night when we´re back” knowing full well that we were leaving Sheffield.

We'd all made up our minds a few months back that we'd move to London and knew we wouldn't be coming back anytime soon....... if at all.

Next stop London.